My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
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“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.