What have you done…馃悎馃惥馃ゴ
Sound On..馃攰馃啓
You Might Also Like
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke鈥檚 on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don鈥檛 want a girlfriend.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it鈥檚 time my kids learn how that shit feels
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I want this so bad
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you鈥檙e probably holding the Taser wrong.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*