God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
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we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs