[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
You Might Also Like
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
my fav colour is also hitler
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Miscakes
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*