You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
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“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!