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Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans