[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
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They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?