My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
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Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
welp
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Battery falling down a hole
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
dutch is not a serious language
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.