When I snag the last meatball.
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Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Lmao
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.