You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
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Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.