Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
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Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Just me?
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED