Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
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There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.