Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
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I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.