this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
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“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year