I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
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I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!