ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
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UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months