[the middle of showering] I need a break
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Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.