I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
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If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.