I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
You Might Also Like
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce