I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
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T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
cyclists
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
rise and shine we got egg
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.