Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
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mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human