Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
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Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray