“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
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My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
This kinda thing happens to me often
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.