Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
You Might Also Like
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach