Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
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[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”