To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
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I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
had to share :’)
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.