I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
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Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
#Caturday
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.