Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
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motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Bloody internet 😳
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader