Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
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Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible