My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
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[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*