“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
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INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.