SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
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Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table