serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
You Might Also Like
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Just so funny
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash