Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
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*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
People buying plungers never look happy.