I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
You Might Also Like
Order here:
More here:
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Breaking news:
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.