I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
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[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
All is fair in drunk and war.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click