When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
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“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
WHY would you be happy about this?
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I was just discussing this with my cat
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”