*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
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Personal question. #JustSaying
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”