I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
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The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?