I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
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When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?