Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
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Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.