Day 2 of my diet
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Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
you will never know the true number of layers
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.