sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
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I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Ape together strong