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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
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First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it