i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
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What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Ah yes. The three genders
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.