I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
You Might Also Like
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I’m listening
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!