[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
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John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap