I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
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morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
This is painfully accurate 😅
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
accurate
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.