Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
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Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
The answer is funnier than the question
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.