1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
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“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
the battle rages on
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…